sarah in aperture: A commentary
by LilacRavenclaw
Summary: I found this while snooping around for something that involved Wheatley. Unfortunately, this is the My Immortal of Portal, so I've decided to raise awareness and do a commentary! BE CAUTIOUS. CONTAINS COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MARY-SUE.
1. Chapter 1

Well, hello there.

I must admit, I was surprised there even was a fic like this on fanfiction. I thought that you really had to be clever to finish Portal 2. And most of us are. But this GIRL has me revolted beyond belief. I really honestly thought that it was only mainstream genres that got this negative fanfiction, like Percy Jackson and Harry Potter.

Of course, Portal 2 was second in the… Game of the Year award, I think. I don't know. Some award.

So! If anyone has an issue with M rated topics, I'll be running this the same as my "My Immortal" commentary. No lemon here. We don't do that.

Kay! Let's start!

Obviously, there are spoilers in the first chapter for Portal 2, but I honestly don't think it follows the plot after that.

Disclaimer: Valve owns Portal 2, and they're hogging the deadly neurotoxin. If I owned this, I think I'd steal some and douse myself in it to hide from the shame.

hayyyyyyyzz **Hay is for horses. **readers :p im writin' a story. read, reveiw, & fave.. thx! luv u all :)

chapter 1: waking up

when sarah woke up it was dark. she heard a voice. "you have been asleep for nine nine nine nine"** This is actually impossible, because Wheatley said that all the test subjects were (and I quote), "bloody vegetables!" except for CHELL.**

she stopped listening. she had to get out of the room. there was a knock on the door.

"come in" she said. the door opened. a gray ball came in. it had a blue eye. **Wheatley has an optic, not an eye. There is a difference- eyes are for living beings, and optics are for robots.**

"hi i'm wheatley." **No ramble? Nothing? Just, "Hi, I'm Wheatley." You've made him fairly OOC already.**

sarah smiled. she brushed her blond hair out of her ice blue eyes that looked like a sea of blue **Still confused about what shade of blue they are- the sea is like a green-blue, and ice is an extremely pale blue (actually, it's white. But when we're talking about eyes, it's a really pale blue).**. she had perfect eyeliner, mascara, blush, and lip stain on.** And where did she find all this stuff? Portal is set around the same time as Half-Life, and if you go to the Half-Life Wikipedia, it says that the Combine took over. That means a bunch of aliens rule the Earth, and I don't think they'd be particularly keen to the idea of opening up a makeup stand, and even if they did, this girl's been stuck in Aperture for who knows how long- she wouldn't even have access to it even if the aliens thought beauty care was a crucial part of the new government.** she wore a pink shirt that said "i heart ny" in lavendar letters. **All Aperture test subjects (I'm assuming that's what she is since she's down in a Relaxation Vault) are given a mandatory Aperture jumpsuit of ORANGE and a white gym tank. No pink shirts. No "lavendar" letters.** her hair was in a nice braid. she had skinny jeans. she had neon pink black striped arm warmers. she had rainbow hair extensions and ice blue coontails **Coontails? What are those? I'll go look it up on … No results. So your "coontails" don't exist.** that matched her ice blue eyes/ she had rainbow converse with picachu on them. **All Aperture test subjects are given long-fall boots to make sure that the ASHPD (Aperture Science Hand-held Portal Device) is safe at the end of every test. Your converse make you a prime suspect for breaking the ASHPD after plummeting to your death.** she had lime green eye shadow that complementd her ice blue eyes. **At this point, she looks like a reject from the 80's- and trust me, it's REALLY hard to get rejected from the 80's.**

"hi" she giggled. she was so cute.

she almost fell in love with wheatlye ** WHEATLEY. **when she saw him. she liked his voice. he was funny. **Really? Because the ONLY words he's spoken to you as of yet are, "Hi, I'm Wheatley." I fail to see how that's funny. **he was hot. **For crying out LOUD, he's a CORE. Unless you find spherical robots with optics and Bristol accents attractive, I fail to see your reasoning.** he was smart. **How do you know that? As stated above, HE LITERALLY JUST INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO YOU. **he was better then human boys. **When has she ever even MET a human boy?**

"no i can't" she cried in her mind. **You can't what? Say he's better then human boys? Actually, in a grammatical sense, you can't. It's "better THAN human boys".** but really her heart broke. she put on her toeto hat. **What is a Toeto hat, and why haven't you lost it yet? Honestly. Because if you were testing, you'd probably have lost it by now.**

"you might have brain damage" wheatley said. "but your too cute to have brain damage so I guess you dont."** Cuteness has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with brain damage. And the reason Wheatley thought Chell had brain damage was because she couldn't talk. This girl has talked. So therefore, no reason to believe she has brain damage.**

sarah smiled. her teeth were perfectly white. she got out of bed. she was hungry.

"do you know where we can get some food?" she asked with her sweet as sugar voice. she had a skinny frame with big boobs. **This is impossible. Why? Fat=tissue. Skinny frame, sure, but skinny frame with big breasts? No. That skinny frame is a LACK OF TISSUE.**

"yes we have potatoes follow me" said wheatley smiling. **Potatoes would have probably rotted by now (unless they were growing a potato plant (and there actually was a potato plant, but it showed no signs of potatoes growing on it), so that means you're out of food. Sorry. You die now from lack of food. **

AND THATS CHAPTER 1! :) do u like it so farzzzz? **No. It makes no sense.** reveiw fave n comment!

So, I hope it was good. The commentary. But this story really is horrible.

I haven't actually even seen one commentary on this. Weird.

Ah well. At least I can say I was the first.

Signing off,

Lilac Ravenclaw


	2. AN Sorry, guys It had to be said

Hello.

This commentary seems to have alerted the moderators (I assume that they are called moderators- if they aren't fill in their actual titles wherever I say moderators) about Sarah's story.

They then proceeded to take the troll/really horrid writer off the sight. I looked. Her story isn't there.

And she'll probably boot up in a few more days, ranting about how some "stupid author" took her story off fanfiction, and probably got her temp banned. But whatever people may say, that was never my goal.

My goal was to alert the general public (not the moderators) about horrid canon abuse, and how this girl was committing it. Not getting someone I thought was a bad writer off the site. And honestly, if she cut the Mary Sue, and clamped down on the 'M' rated stuff that isn't even legitly canon, she'd have a fairly good story, provided the OC was believable.

I have no idea what an MST (my guess was a Mary-Sue Trollfic) is, but the first reviewer kindly told me that I was writing one, and that it was against the rules for Fanfiction, and would probably get me temp banned, which he/she told me wasn't pleasant. I thank that reviewer, and if I do get temp banned or if Sarah doesn't come back, this commentary won't continue. As I said before, the fic was forced down, and I forgot to save the rest of the chapters.

I'll reply to all comments (except, obviously, baby charmander's, as he/she was the first reviewer) here. If any moderators are reading this, and if I really did break a rule, I am sorry for breaking the rule, but not sorry for alerting everyone. People need to know about this kind of stuff so that they don't accidentally do it.

If the writer was a troll, you have got me. Game, set, and match. Good job. I'll learn to do even more research next time.

If the writer was not a troll, read the part about where I apologize for getting you kicked off. I hope it'll help.

To kt2209: Thank you for the nice comment. I would, but the moderators took the fic down.

To DevissiTRHW: I have. You've caught me: I was focusing more on the content than the grammar. Thank you for your support.

To Insane Guy of DOOM: That it has. Unfortunately, as stated above, I didn't save a copy. Thank you. I enjoy your commentary work on My Immortal as well, and it was a pleasant surprise to see that you had commented on my humble Portal commentary.

To sullyz: Yes, indeed, there are a few in every genre if one snoops around enough. Though Marissa Roberts was possibly worse, as there were irrational zombies that stopped being zombies after entering the fires of Android Hell (Android Hell is a REAL place, and you WILL go there.-GLaDOS, Portal 1) A daughter named Christmas crazy is definitely better than reversible zombies.

To Your Favorite Freak: Chell is quite the dynamic character in the robots' optics, and this Mary Sue (while an interesting personification of a Skittles package) doesn't even cover the ground that Chell did. I'm personally fond of Chelley (Chell/Wheatley), and Wheatley romances are often interesting (excepting GLaDOS/Wheatley- I never figured how that would happen) because of the dynamic between the two characters in their budding romance, whether it be an AU or underground at Aperture Science Laboratories.

I think that's it. Sorry for the AN, and for not saving the chapters. I honestly didn't expect this big of a backlash. If I do find Sarah, I promise I'll continue. Of course, she did kind of disappear. Nothing was written past chapter 20, and I doubt she's been on (or tried to get on) her fanfiction account since that 20th chapter, which could have been a while ago.

Sully brought up a good point- Marissa Roberts' fanfiction has been tackled by only one person that I know of, and it's been taken down by the admins. However, I'll try to tackle that one instead.

Signing off,

Lilac Ravenclaw


End file.
